Meetings and Growth

Recovery in AA is very dogmatic. You must do this, we are told, or else you will relapse. Anything else is the insidious disease taking control.

Unfortunately for me, I have real problems in life that I cannot seem to solve. They cause me much pain and frustration, in my working life. I have no exciting magical daily fun at work. It is largely a visit to hell, front and back. Sitting in a boring room with difficult people, hearing them rant and curse, complain and bitch.

To make matters worse, I can get along with no boss. But the current one, takes the cake. He has taken to talking about me to his sidekick. They whisper, Welll the first talk work stuff for 10-20 minutes, then they BS for between 1 - 3hours. I have this documented. So every so often they whisper, I get up and walk as close to his office as I can without being spotted. But my work is standing up for me for now. Several programs that I have written have been noted as being very effective and helpful, and money saving to the company. So it is like he is waiting for some screwup on my side. Which is good in a way as I am the most careful in work now that I have ever been.

I have saved you the boring details of the work problems, but it really is a harsh environment.

So when I finally make it home each evening, I need to do things that give me pleasure. I relax, I exercise, I walk alot lately. I am finding this very positive and therapeutic. I will go most of the time after 9pm, when it is more quiet and secluded where I live, with the mascot with me, the cup of coffee. Our AA nations drink.

I find that the walk at night tires me, it gives me a chance to analyze how I can get to keep my job, and it's nice to get out of the house.

I also spend time with my children, read, clean the house - which is a daily need, do some shopping, and play on the computer. I also have a couple of friends that I visit or help out, they both have cancer. One is not in good shape in terms of the prognosis, the other is, but still he suffers. With one, I learn Torah with. The other fellow could be teaching me so we just talk. It is not easy to do anything besides this visit on an evening. It is quite difficult, as I am not a professional therapist. But I have to cheer them up alot. Especially the one with a cancer that does not have a good rate of curing. He is not so old. and he does not want to die he says.

Where can I fit meetings in here?

And more importantly, I get along fine without meetings.

I love AA unconditionally for having gotten me out of the gutter. But once out, I must say that for me, the purpose of going there, is to stay and keep sober. Everything else that I spent 3 months imbibing, was not happening, and this lack-of, made me feel depressed and anxious.

So one thing I did learn in AA was to leave things be and not get all worked up over them. I guess also I got very tired of hearing the same things over and over again, and also for sure I did not feel comfortable and relaxed there. I tried a few places and it's the same feeling. I want to be left alone and not have to be confronted over every word, not have to try to make conversation, not have to live up the lofty expectations that the group leaders say.

I guess I could say that in general I am, more of a recluse by nature and do not seek many social situations to be in, certainly not so regular as AA. Of course, this is all possible for me because I am not drinking ( almost 7 months), and have almost no thoughts to do so. I have the occassional thought, as in, maybe I will drink today but that is all. I don't have any real need or plans to buy a liquor bottle. I just keep it in the day. I am not drinking today.

I expect to go to a meeting again, but for now, the time and opportunity is not there. I am a little jealous of all the meeting goers who don't have my social problems, or are able to ignore them.

Getting back to meetings

I have not been going to meetings. Hard to say why. Once you get out of the routine of going to them, it's easy to just forget about them. At first I did alot of online meetings and postings, but that has stopped too. At first I said, well I am not drinking or doing any substance so it's OK. Even though I understand that the spiritual growth part is put on hold. But things are basically OK with me so I don't feel this need to go to meetings. I guess if I drink, then I will know to go.

Yet I do miss meetings. There is something you get from them that I miss that I can't get anywhere else. I think it would help me in specific ways.

I do not think seriously of drinking. The main thing I miss about meetings though is that I do feel isolated in the drinking society that America is. What I mean is everyone I know, looks forward to when they can drink, some more or some less, but everything I hear from co-workers is about how they will drink this or that watching the big game on TV or when they are on vacation.

And I don't have that comfort. A few weeks ago I had the thought that maybe I am 'cured now'. I have been sober for 6 months, the disease was selling me on, and thus, I am cured, I can have a glass of wine once a week. So I said to the disease, some call it the beast, no, I don't think it works that way, this is for good. In my life, I have had enough alcholhol and substances for one life. Done.

So the beast said, well how do you know that? Give it a test. Be rational.

I have no answer for that really. Sobriety is not about being rational. Yes it's true, why don't I test it, to see if I am 'cured'? Mainly because I don't think it will work. Mainly from what I have heard at meetings about people slipping and not coming back for 2 years. So why should I take a chance when all I have to do is not drink today?