Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Dream

I had a new and strange dream the other night. For the first time since I started AA, I dreamt that I was drunk. The details of my dream you might find interesting to see how insidious and clever this disease is.

I vividly recall that I was holding a half empty beer bottle. Beer as in, you know, not the hard stuff. Just one bottle too. Sure.

In the dream I had also had some liquor. a brand that I had never had before. Also insidious. You know, try something new, live a little.

The strange part about this dream, some dreams are kind of like interactive. Like you are partially aware that it's a dream. Say like if you have been at the beach all day and you were swimming in the waves, in bed, you have that wave-like feeling like you are still there.

In this dream, I was aware that something was wrong, that I don't do booze anymore, that I could not be holding an open half empty bottle of beer, and be drunk. This is not a possibility.

So this woke me up, this problem, with the dream.

Not bad.

Haven't had this dreeam since.

I would say after 2 months, still I can't believe how relatively easy this has been.

I go to meetings around twice a week, and I read the books.

I have not started on the steps yet.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Connecting with your Higher Power

Thoughts About a Higher Power.
One of the foundations of AA, is that the individual must be aware of, or use the help of their higher power. This is interpreted as G-d, as you(we) understand Him, or this concept, so it is not a particularlistic G-d of this or that religion. My higher power is not necessarily what yours is, although there are similarities.
In Judaism, we have a more fixed idea of HaShem. At least I did. He is Up-There, He is to be feared (Y'ira) or Respected. We say, KavYochel when referring to G-d doing something in Human terms, Kavyochel meaning, we are using this term metaphorically, we cannot even begin to fathom Ha-Shem's ways and means of doing things. even 'things' is Kavyochel, so we can understand on our terms.
But does this help in situations which affect a happy life. One of the things AA tried to build for members is that life can be a happy one, (even) without booze. If an AA member is continually in a depression, it definetly will affect their sobriety. Maybe not everyone but most people after a while would say, this AA is OK at first but things are even worse than before, I am going to therefore go ahead and control my drinking.
Of course, when things are going well for a person, there is little issue. It is when there is extra stress, when situations of either other people who have power over you, say ina work environment, or circumstances, cause you to be depressed this is not idea.
I feel that at these times, an AA or really anyone for that matter, should connect and be with his higher power. Imagine that you just go to a nice beach for an hour or more.Or to a beautiful lake or forest. Your mind will forget about the depression for a few moments, as it takes in the natural beauty and different sights and smells, and reality, that you left back at the office. I recently went to Bear Mountain in New York, and had this experience.
I want my higher power to be like that, to have this kind of affect on me. I was glancing at a book of Psalms this morning, and I noticed something interesting. There is a well known verse that is also a famous song in Hebrew it is: "Hinei Ma Tov UMah Naiim, Shevet Achim Gam Yachad" this is translated as, "Behold ! How Good and Pleasant, the tribes(brothers) are sitting down together in harmony" (my loose translation). I saw a Rashi in the Tehillim (Psalms) edition which I have the good fortune to own, Rashi the most famous Torah commentator says on this verse: When G-d sat in the Beis HaBechira, the Temple (Second?), with Yisrael, who are called Brothers and friends, and He Will be also with them. (yes there is a grammatical thing there. first it says KiSheyashav, when He sat. Then he says, ViYihiyeh, and he will be with them. I groove on it anyway as I see it as a past and future thing).
Wow. So my higher power is with me now! Sitting with me at this very moment while I have depressing thoughts about my situation! I don't have to sink into depression. I can sit with my higher power and all my Brothers in recovery.
Just to add the other commentators, the Metzudas Zev, asks why the word MA is used there. (Why MA Tov, Ma Naim). I don't see the answer there but he says that Bnei Yisroel were brothers because of the Achva the solidarity amongst them. Achava means I think Friendship, fellowship maybe.and then Gam Yachad, means that there will be one nation not 2 again.
So I really like the Rashi on this one. Perhaps there are similar sources we have that can help bridge understanding in AA?